FullMetal Alchemist: Retold
by TheTortoiseshellCat
Summary: This is my first Fan Fiction. It's the mucher cooler version of FullMetal Alchemist with many twists. Better than summary sounds. Read
1. MOM WAS KILLED BY WHAT?

Disclaimer: I don't any part of Fullmetal Alchemist whatsoever; if I did I would be rich.

Chapter I: MOM WAS KILLED BY WHAT?!?

Meet Edward, age 10 and Alphonse Elric, age 9, brothers who are about to have their world turned upside down by a single event. And they have yet to realize it but they have now entered The Twilight Zone.

Twilight Zone intro music

"Howdy boys. It's a mighty fine day were having isn't it. Well then here's the milk!" called a man at the gate dressed in gray pants, a white tucked in button up shirt, with a bright white hat. Running to the gate came to boys Edward and Alphonse both covered in dirt, wearing nothing but shorts.

"Gee wilikers, Benny, thanks" called Ed.

"Your welcome boys tell your mother that I say hi!"

"You got it." said Al.

Ed and Al proceeded to walk back to the clothes line where their mother had been hanging clothes before they had run to the gate.

"Hey, Al where did mom go?"

"She's…right…over…there."

But when they both looked they noticed their mother was gone. The two of them began to run over to where they had last seen their mom, when Al stubbed his big toe and knocked Ed over who was carrying the milk. The milk then when flying into the air and hit the ground with a crash.

"Oooooooo mom is gonna' kill you." laughed Al.

"What killed me, it's your fault!?!"

That was when they noticed a hand on the ground where the milk had fell.

"Hey Al…do you see what I see?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh there a monster in our house and it gonna attack mom and that's its last victim's severed hand. Ahhhhhhhhhh were all gonna die."

"No Al, its mom!"

"AHHHHHH, look at her. Her tongue is hanging out, her eyes look all buggy and they a whole patch of blood on her forehead where the milk bottle must have hit. YOU KILLED HER! YOU KILLED MOM!"

"AHHHHHHH, WE KILLED MOM!"

And just then a doctor miraculously came walking by and heard all their screaming.

"Hey, are you boys alright" he said as he came walking towards their house. He was wearing a loose pair of pants, and shirt that looked like it was only made for lumberjacks.

"NO ITS OUR MOM ED KILLED HER!" cried Al.

"It's your fault Al you stubbed your toe and knocked me over!"

"Now, now boys I highly doubt that your mother is dead, but while I examine her, you two can tell me what happened"

30 minutes later

"Well boys, … I'm sorry to tell you that your mother is in fact dead. And so you know that it was heat stroke and a hit on the head from a glass bottle that killed. Anyways boys, I have to get home now. The missus is makin' chicken for dinner and pecan pie dessert. Five minutes later there was no sight of him.

3 days later, after the funeral

"Ed, hooow aaaare weeee goooing toooo suuurvive? Th-Thiiis iiiis aall yyoour fffault, dooo ssometthing!" wailed Al.

"We will Al, we're going to bring mom back."

TBC

Please review. Hoped you guys enjoyed. :)


	2. TheFacesOfTheMil

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Fullmetal Alchemist whatsoever; if I did I would be rich.

Recap: Last time Ed and Al's mother died and Ed decided that they would bring her back.

Chapter II: Faces Of The Military

"Buuuuut, hooooow Eeeeed? Hoooow aaare weee goooing tooo briiiing mooom baaack?" Al said still wail and was now sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"With alchemy, Al. That's how."

Two Years Later

"Are you ready Al?" Ed asked standing up to admire the alchemic circle that he and Al had just drawn on the floor of "Daddy No Show"'s room.

"Ed are you sure that we should be doing this…I mean it's forbidden" Al said shakily

"Don't worry Al it'll all be okay, just you wait and see"

"O…okay"

But as soon as they started the whole plan went horribly wrong: the first reason that it failed was obviously because it was forbidden, the second reason was that the alchemic circle was very neat and tidy on Al's half and on Ed's it was a squiggly jumble of lines and the last reason was because Ed and Al weren't able to get all the materials needed they improvised with on of those Watch It Grow animal kits that you soak in water for three days as the main ingredient.

As soon as the transmutation began taking a turn for the worse Al got up and made a dash for the door out, but then hand raced out of the Doorway that they had opened and pulled him in.

"No, Al" Ed cried as Al was sucked in.

So Ed did what any sane and normal person would do at a time like this: he pulled out a knife and sawed his arm and leg off to keep the door open while tried to get Al or do something within the line of rescuing. He succeeded in doing this by grabbing whatever was left of Al and then transmuting Al's soul into a suit of armor that was nearby, and then passed partially due to blood lost and partially from excitement.

Meanwhile Towards the Edge of Town

It was raining in Rizenbul and two men were approaching town heading in the direction of the Rockbell household.

"Well would you look at that Hughes" a black haired man cried excitedly pointing in the direction of Ed and Al's house.

"I'm looking Mustang, but what is it?" Hughes said.

"It's an alchemic reaction. But it's not normal, it's probably a human transmutation or something" Mustang replied with a matter-of-fact tone.

"Riight so what does that tell me? Besides did you forget why were here?"

"Huh? Yes I have"

Hughes said with a sigh "You're here to tell those nice military hating people that those nice "breaking the rules" doctors died at the "enemy hands".

"Can't you tell them" Mustang said suddenly sinking into an Emo corner

"No! So get out of your Emo corner."

"Hey it's not an Emo corner. And why do I have to tell them? Mustang said as his Emo corner suddenly disappeared.

"Cause I'm sure as hell not going to!"

"Why couldn't they just send Kimbley or … someone that's not me?"

"Gee, I don't know could it be … that it was you who killed them.

"I know but why me?" Mustang said sinking back into his Emo corner.

"Let's go!" Hughes said dragging Mustang down the road.

At Winry's House

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ……. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?" a blond girl cried

"Winry, it's me Al! Please you have to help Ed, he's bleeding to DEATH!!!"

"Oh…oh the pain!" moaned Ed in pain

After the drama of the moment had finally played itself out, Pinako, Winry's grandmother decided to let the two of them.

"Alphonse? What happened to you guys?"

"Noothing…I mean its not like we tried to bring our mother back so we wouldn't have to fend for ourselves _and_ it's like the two of us ended up like this because the unreal attempt to bring our mother back failed."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!?"

"Noothing"

"I know Ed didn't cut off his own arm. START TALKING ALPHOSE!!"

"Aaaah! Don't kill me!"

Suddenly the door was knocked down and it flew and hit the wall with a bang.

"Hughes, why did you have to over dramatize opening the door?" exclaimed Mustang.

"I didn't mean to, it's just it sounded like someone was getting killed. …Anyways, howdy folks, my name is Maes Hughes, lutienant, and this is Roy Mustang, colonel, and we were sent by" he sighed "his Excellency Fuher King Bradley to visit you. Tell'em Roy. Go get'em!!" said Hughes.

"You tell them Hughes!"

"No, the fuher sent you; I'm here for moral support! Just remember what we talked about before we got here." Hughes said pushing Mustang forward.

"Hughes, all we talked about the forbidden alchemy coming out of the shack that someone calls a house and Emo corners and then you dragged me here."

Hughes said while suddenly breaking it to a cough "at the hands of the enemy" and he coughed again. "Sorry about that, I think I'm coming down with a cold from all the rain."

"Fine! Okay Mrs." Mustang said as he pulled out a piece of paper and read it. "Rockbell your son and or daughter …wait…oh they circled son…sooo, your son and his wife died at the hands of the enemy during the Eastern Rebellion."

"And…!" said Hughes

"Uh…um…and what Hughes? Tell these people that we won…and even easier after those damn doctors were execut–, I mean killed by the enemy" said Mustang

"Huh? What I wasn't listening? Wait…oh yeah…and…um…you have our deepest condolences."

"Well with that out of the way. Hey Tinman! Did you and the dying midget in the bed over there try to do a human transmutation?" said Mustang

"How did you–." gasped Al.

"Huh? Aaaah…OH MY GOD…IT'S A GHOST…SAVE ME!!!!" cried Hughes the moment Al started talking.

"Maes! It isn't a ghost! It's a human soul attached to a friggen suit of armor! Relax" shouted Mustang.

"Riight, I knew that…I…was testing you Roy…because without these split-second tests you won't make it to the top"

Meanwhile Winry and her grandmother were standing in shock, partly from the message they had just received and partly from the stupidity of these two military officers and Al had walked over to the bed where Ed still lay dying and began shaking causing more blood loss, saying "Brother, wake up! Some guys from the military are here!"

TBC


	3. Circus Of Stupidity

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

Recap: Last time Ed and Al tried to bring their mother back, it failed and the Rockbell family was paid a visit by the military.

Chapter III: Circus Of Stupidity

"Brother, wake up. Some guys from the military are here! Our prayers have been answered … Dad's come home!!" Al cried out as he shook Ed.

"What!!!!!" Ed shouted springing up from the bed where up until a minute ago he lay bleeding to death and plastered Al's with blood. "Where is he Al?!? Where is that bastard!!?!!"

"OH MY GOD!!!!! It's a demon with RABIES!!!" Hughes cried out as soon as jumped up.

"What!! Wait no Hughes, its some random, semi-important to someone kid possessed by a demon with rabies!!! " yelled Mustang who seemed to have forgotten that he was the one that had posed the question that had sent them into this mayhem in the first place. "Dammit, Hughes where did you put the holy water?!?"

"Hold on the Do It Yourself Exorcism Kit is in the cheaply made military issued pack!!!"

Hughes pulled out all the supplies: a bible, holy water, a crucifix, a copy of Rituale Romanum and a cassock (a long-sleeved, hoodless garment most often made of lightweight black fabric and are generally ankle-length) and with Mustang's help he proceeded to carry out the rite of exorcism.

Well as this was all going Winry, Pinako and Al watched as this circus of stupidity played itself with Ed yelling "What are you nut-jobs yammering about!!!" and the two soldiers yelling "The power of Christ compels you!". Finally Pinako had enough of the display of stupidity at its worse and yelled "ALL OF YOU SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN" Then there was silence…….until Mustang said "Look, Hughes the demon fled from the semi-important kid's body! HURRAY!!!" Pinako was just about ready to kick them out when Hughes realized what Al had said.

"Well, well, well, Roy you sly dog always saying that there was no woman out there for you, and here you are with two kids, wait till Hawkeye hears this, she's gonna kill and after that party you two went together to."

"What the hell are you taking about?!?!"

"Your children!!!"

"What children??? I don't have children!!!"

"OH REALLY THEN WHO ARE THEY????!!!!???? HE HAS YOUR CHIN!!!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT'S NOT MY CHIN, IF IT'S ANYBODY'S IT'S YOURS!!!!"

"ARE YOU SAYING THAT I SLEPT WITH SOME STRANGE WOMAN WHO PROBABLY HAD AIDS AND THAT THESE TWO UGLY CHILDREN ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YES!!!! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!!!!"

"I HATE YOU!!!!! TELLING MY WIFE LIES!!!"

"NOW WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???"

Well the carnival of stupidity started again and it was in full swing, with the two officers going back and forth about who had to be the father of the two "ugly" children. Once again Pinako had enough but this time rather than yelling for silence she kicked the two officers out of her house. Meanwhile Winry had just come to the realization that her parents were dead, Al was celebrating at the return of his father and Ed was fuming that the two men had declared that his mom had AIDS and suddenly had become aware of the fact that neither of the two idiots now standing in the rain outside was his father.

"HEY WAIT OLD HAG!!! I HAVE TO TELL MIDGET SOMETHING!!!!!!" yelled Mustang as Pinako was about to slam.

This threw Pinako into shock because first off no one had ever called "old hag" ever in her life and secondly because the magnitude of 89 years of life just hit her, and she knew that it was true she really was an "old hag" and Ed knocked the door out of Pinako's hand sending it flying off the hinges and into the fence all the way at the beginning at the property barely missing Mustang's head at the sound of being called a midget.

"MIDGET!!!! I'M NO MIDGET!!! I'M JUST VERTICALLY CHALLENGED.TWELVE YEAR OLD!!!"

"**MIDGET** OR **VERTICALLY CHALLENGED** DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE YOU'RE STILL **SHORT**. YOUR FATHER WAS PROBABLY A **VERTICALLY CHALLENGED LEPRACHUAN**, SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE THIS **SHORT** FOR LIFE!!!!" yelled Mustang

Ed pretty much only heard the bolded words and lunged at Mustang, who happened to be a homophobe, and began to cry out "Hughes, save me. It's happening again. I'm being attacked by some faggot." This stopped Ed in his tracks he yelled "FAGGOT!!! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A FAGGOT?!?" With delay in attack Mustang attacked Ed and pulled out a set of matches and bottle of gasoline. He opened the bottle of gasoline and threw it on Ed, with Hughes yelling in the background "WAIT MUSTANG DON'T WE'LL HAVE TO WRITE REPORTS IF HE DIES!!!" Mustang remained oblivious to all that was being said to him struck the match and threw it at a stunned Ed. Then again there was silence. Until immediately five seconds after the match had been thrown it was followed by Ed screaming in agony while running in circles (he never learned "stop, drop and roll"), Hughes wailing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! PAPERWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mustang laughing, Al singing about dad coming home, Winry calling out to Ed :"STOP DROP ROLL!!!" and Pinako running around with a bucket trying to collect rain water. After about two minutes of this the combination of pouring rain and rain water in a bucket put out "Ed the Human Fire". It finally then occurred to Al what just happened and that the either of the two weren't his father and he began to cry hysterically and Winry crying again because of everything that had happened inside a hour and Mustang just remembered that he wanted to do the sales pitch on Ed, so he decided to proceed with it despite the fact he just burned the living crap out of him.

"Hello there potential candidate!!! We of his Excellency Fuher King Bradley MILITARY, would like to commend you on your efforts to even be looked at by us and our much superior selves to you!!! And we are pleased to inform that you are almost good enough to even be considered for the STATE ALCHEMIST EXAM!!! We of his Excellency Fuher King Bradley MILITARY would like to have you insert name here try to take the exam despite all your frailties and pray that you pass to be accepted as a State Alchemist. NOW!! What you ask can being a State Alchemist do for you?? Well, I'll tell you, you'll have access to almost all military documents, you'll be well paid, possibly receive room and board if you're qualified and we'll provide you with all the most high tech resources in ascertaining information about said information. SO JOIN HIS EXCELLENCY FUHER KING BRADLEY **MILITARY **TODAY" after this whole statement he threw flyers and registration forms all over the property and proceeded to leave the Rockbell house.

Ed, Al, Winry and Pinako didn't even notice the departure of the two soldiers because they were to busy gaping and staring over the sales pitch that they had just heard.

TBC


	4. Patriotic Duty

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

Recap: Ed and Al had failed to bring their mother back; Mustang and Hughes turned up at the Rockbell house and preformed a sales pitch.

And now to our story….

Chapter IV: Patriotic Duty

One year later at a train station. Edward Elric age 13 and Alphonse Elric, age 12.

Ed and Al arrived at the closest train station to Rizenbul, 30 miles away. They had been training for the past year in order to get ready for the state alchemist exam, well Al was at least.

"Well Al, were finally own way to being State Alchemists" Ed said cheerily with a laugh

"But Brother up until last week you said you were never going to join the State military and to hell with it if I wanted my old body, what made you change your mind" Al questioned

"Oh well that's simple really Al, after our house got struck by lightning and blew up into flames, taking everything I loved and cherished with it, I figured I got nothing left to live for now. I wouldn't retire into a life of quiet old age after doing fifty years of manual labor as a farmer, now that our house was gone. So I went for the next best thing: a life with the military, now I'll retire into a life of quiet old age after slaughtering millions." Ed answered matter-of-factly.

"Oh and here I thought you loved me" Al said as he boarded the train.

Ed and Al joined the peace and quiet only country bumpkins can find a rattling train filled with sheep being sent to neighboring farms. When all of the sudden a man got up from his chair and yelled "I AM FROM THE EASTERN LIBERATION ARMY AND I'M TAKING YOU ALL HOSTAGE!!", then pulling out a rifle and waving it wildly No sooner had he said that a white haired man ran out of from the car ahead of them.

"OMG IT'S THE ELA!" the white haired cried as he got smashed in the face by the butt of the gun the other man had been waving.

The crazy terrorist then left the car the Ed and Al were in and went announcing in every car who he was.

"Al, lets go check if that old man has any money in his wallet we really need the money." Ed said running towards the white haired man's body.

"Brother that's not right we should try to help him." Al said running after Ed,

No sooner had d pulled out the man's wallet, did the man regain consciousness.

"Hello there little boy, my name's Falman, I'm a sergeant in the military. You seem to have found my wallet, thank you." Falman said scratching his head, taking the wallet out Ed's hand.

"I'M NOT SHORT!!" Ed exploded at Falman

"What my Brother means to say is his name is Edward Elric and I'm Alphonse Elric." Al said hold Ed back from Falman

Suddenly a cry was heard coming from one of the cars ahead of them, "Oh my fucking God, somebody help me…I mean somebody help General Hakuro, but if they see me along the way they could help me to."

"Oh that must be leutient Hughes" Falman exclaimed

"Hey Al this would be a great time to showcase our talents, let's go!" Ed said charging towards the car ahead of them.

"Wait for me Brother!" Al called after Ed

**Meanwhile At Central**

"Hello? Hughes, where are you? What's happening?" Mustang said into the phone actually sounding concerned. "Hughes"

Suddenly a voice came onto the phone "This is Bald from the Eastrn Liberation Army demanding that you release our comrades from prison. And here to convince you is General Hakuro. General, speak, now!" said Bald

"Hello Mustang don't negotiate with the terrorists even at the cost of my wife and children I will gladly sacrifice everything that has value to me in service to the Füher." Suddenly the General voice was turned into a wail, "The bastard he cut off my fucking ear! Oh and now he going after my son, hey wait Bald hold on I'm not ready to sacrifice my son yet! Here Colonel Mustang wants to speak with you!"

Bald voice came back onto the other end of line "Okay Hughes enough messing around, although that was a very good impersonation of General Hukuro, go get back to work, otherwise how will you know when the ELA is attacking" Mustang said laughing "Okay Hughes I got to go." Mustang added laughing then hanging up. "Hey Hawkeye, Hughes is such a joker he was pretending to be Bald and General Hakuro, it was hysterical you should have heard it." Mustang said turning to the blond woman to his right, sporting the ever so tacky woman's military.

"Sir, how do you know that it was joke?" Hawkeye asked skeptically.

"It was I have a nose for those things, besides you'll know for sure when we go meet Hughes at the train station. Now moving along to important business I figured out what our logo for this year's State Alchemist Exam should be: You Made Them Strong, We'll Make Them Füher Strong."

**Back At The Train**

Ed charged up towards the engine car "Hey bad guys come out so I can kill you!" he shouted as he ripped open the door. The two terrorists turned around and were so surprised to see Ed that they fell backwards into the coal furnace. "Damn you bastards, why did you have to fall in, couldn't wait until I pushed you in!" Ed cried into the fire. "Hello? Is there anybody else in here who could say I saved them?"

From behind the furnace four engineers came out from behind the furnace "We'll vouch for you, little kid!" they said cheerily as they came out towards the center of the car.

"Are you trying to say that I so little that not even an ant could see me" Ed exploded, and then grabbed each engineer one by one and chucked them into the furnace.

Al had nearly made it up to the General's cart when he ran into Hughes.

"Oh my God, it's that possessed suit of armor again!" Hughes cried out when he saw Al.

"Please calm down, I just the lost soul of a boy who once was human but now is paying the ultimate atonement for the sin of trying to bring back my long dead mother." Al said turning on the music the always play for dramatic parts in Naruto as he spoke.

"Okay I don't have the slighted idea what you're trying to tell me, Mr. Ghost but I do think you can save me…I mean…General Hakuro …yup that's it the General" Hughes said nodding his head agreeing with himself.

The two proceeded to the General's car where they ran into Bald's dead body at the door.

"General are you in here?!" Hughes ran into the room, his fear completely gone at the sight of Bald's dead body.

"Hey, lutieniet the General's in here!" Al called as he entered the side room.

In the room they saw General Hakuro crying next to the dead bodies of his wife, son and daughter.

"Oh my stars and guarders, I am like so sorry and stuff!" Al exclaimed at the sight.

"General, what happened" Hughes asked as he stared at the sight

"Well…" General Hakuro began choking back sobs

**_Flashback_**

Bald had just left the car, frustrated by his phone call with Colonel Mustang. Mrs. Hakuro was sitting in the corner cradling her two children: Sugarplum Honeysuckle Maybell Buttercup Hakuro, their nine year old, blond haired blue eyed, who was decked out in her Sunday dress and King Bradley Hakuro, their ten year old with his hair dyed black and wearing a mini military suit and false eye patch, all to complete his father's wish that he grow up to be exactly like the Füher. General Hakuro crawled over to his wife and kids.

"Okay, here's the plan, Sugarplum Honeysuckle Maybell Buttercup Hakuro, King Bradley Hakuro and Sally Hakuro."

"Yes! General Hakuro" they all replied

"Sally Hakuro, you will throw yourself in front of his gun."

"Understood" Sally responded like a true soldier

"King Bradley Hakuro, while Sally Hakuro is being pumped with lead, you come in from behind and jump on his back and remain there no matter the cost"  
"D-Dad…I mean General this c-c-crazy" King Bradley Hakuro responded shakily

General Hakuro continued on with his instructions, ignoring his son's "Sugarplum Honeysuckle Maybell Buttercup Hakuro, you will grab his legs!"  
Sugarplum Honeysuckle Maybell Buttercup Hakuro just kept slowly shaking her head back and forth at her father's demand.

"And while you all distracting, I'll use the gun I was carrying this whole time but not smart enough to use at the beginning of the initial conflict, to shoot him. The mission will commence the moment Bald walks through the door."

Despite the children's age they both had realized there was something deeply wrong with their father's plan. When General Hakuro saw that his two children saw were not going to comply with his plans he exploded. "You would dare, to not complete your duty to the Füher!" No sooner had the General Hakuro, Bald came into car. "General I just wanted to say–" Bald was unable to finish his statement because just at that moment King Bradley Hakuro was flying at him and in the background, General Hakuro and Sally were saying "Serve your patriotic duty!" and Sugarplum crying out "King Bradley!" Bald raised up his hand to stop the boy turned flying projectile, no sooner had he raised his had up to stop him, King Bradley was impaled on Bald's automail arm. "You made me kill a child" Bald said shocked at the already dead child hanging on his arm.

While Bald was removing the body from his arm, Sally Hakuro charged. Bald got the body off his arm and began firing his automail gun arm at Sally. Hakuro snatched up his daughter as wife fell to the ground dead, riddled with bullets. "Become a human shield, serve your patriotic duty!" General Hakuro said as he charged towards Bald holding his daughter in front of him. Bald was forced to shoot Sugarplum, as Hakuro neared he thrust his daughter's dead body at Bald and then unloaded the gun he was carrying into Bald's head. And so ended Bald's life.

**_End of Flashback_**

"And that's what happened." General Hakuro then added sobbing a little "Why…why…why did my kids have to be traitors, why didn't they just willingly serve there patriotic duty." The General said now breaking down.

"Oh……so that's why you're crying not because your family was dead?" Hughes asked confusedly standing next to Al.

"Heavens no I could care less that they died, it just that it was so depressing that my kids didn't want to fulfill their patriotic duty."

And with Al and Hughes walked out of the room, and proceeded to arrest the remaining terrorists. As the train pulled up to the station, Ed found the two of them.

"Damn, it looks like we missed one, Mr. Ghost." Hughes said pulling out a knife getting ready stab Ed.

"Wait that's my brother Ed…Edward Elric and my name by the way is Alphonse Elric, not Mr. Ghost." said just before Hughes could stab Ed

"Oh well it was a pleasure to meet you both." Hughes said happily

The General walked out of the cabin, no longer depressed but actually the happiest man alive, "You boys there are you willing to serve your patriotic duty to the Füher? Cause if you are then I'll recommend you for the State Alchemist Exam. You see I need to fill the hole in my heart caused my traitorous children, and what better way to fill then by finding kids who are willing to die for the Füher all for a pathetic rank"

"Hell, if your willing to nominate me for State Alchemist Exam, I'd even create a philosopher stone for some old bat who had been using it for thousands of years, to place her soul in other people's bodies, and had a child with my bastard of a father, if it means you'll do it!" Ed responded just as happily as General Hakuro.

The train had finally stopped and at the train station they were greeted by Colonel Roy Mustang and his lutienet Riza Hawkeye.

"Hey Hughes that was a pretty funny impression did of Bald" Mustang said walking over to Hughes as got off the train.

"Uh…Roy I never told you any of that but Bald was there and he's dead now." Hughes said as is the whole situation had been a walk in the park

"Ooooh."

"Colonel, I want to commend you for following my orders so well and I would like you to see that these boys her get all the training they need for the Sate Alchemist Exam. Well toodles." General said as he waked away.

TBC


	5. The Big Test, Fühergles, Ninaxander

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

Recap: Last time on Ed and Al set out on their journey to become State Alchemists and ended up being recommended for the test by General Hakuro.

Now let's what awaits our hero's in this next exciting installment of FullMetal Alchemist: Retold

Chapter V:

Mustang walked into his office with the two boys from the train station trailing behind him, and behind them were Hawkeye and Hughes. "_Why is Maes making moves on the only female officer in my group of Bid for Füher Candidacy Cronies or as I like to say it The BFCC_"Mustang thought angrily.

"Well" he said stopping at his desk"Maes shouldn't you be heading home now?" he said he rapped his fingers on the desk.

"Uh…as much as I'd like to, I have to file a report about my heroic efforts on the train." Hughes laughed.

"You mean like running from the fight and having kids do your job." Ed said sarcastically.

"No like – "Hughes was cut off. "Okay Maes, paperwork, go. Jeffrey and Philip take a seat, Hawkeye get me the paperwork to file for these boys and General Hakuro's signed recommendation." Hawkeye left as she tried to find General Hakuro. Hughes took a seat behind Mustang's desk and began to make a phone call. Ed and Al were left standing.

"Maes, you have your own office, go there!"

"Shush, can't you see that I'm on the phone, besides –….Hello Gracia!! I'm back home and can't wait to see you." Hughes said happily on the phone. Mustang sighed and moved on to the bigger task at hand.

"Jeffrey, Philip, why are you still standing?! How do expect to join the military if you can't even follow a simple order like sit down. Jesus Christ….you know what just leave I don't feel like filing the paperwork to have you take the test. You're a waste of time. Get –"just as Mustang was about to kick them out, General Hakuro barged in, with an annoyed Hawkeye.

"I'm sorry, sir, the General insisted that he see you now."

"Colonel Mustang I just wanted to remind you that I will not tolerate these boys not being allowed to take the test. Why I already talked to the Füher about and he said it was a grand idea, so get to it. Cheerio now dahlings." General Hakuro then strode out of the room.

"Sir, are you okay?" Hawkeye asked concerned when she saw that Mustang had dug his fingers into the desk. "Colonel we don't have the money to pay for another desk. That's the fifth this month."

"Buh-bye Gracia I love you" Hughes could be heard in the background hanging up the phone, followed by the sound of rustling papers and the appearance that he was actually doing work.

"Fine, Jeffrey, Philip let's get this over with –"

"Our names are Edward and Alphonse Elric!! You know those kids you met in Rizenbul a year ago, the ones who through those registration forms at, those ones." Ed said getting annoyed.

"Oh so that's who you are." Mustang said nodding his head

"Wait so does that mean that you're related to that no show officer, whose still receiving pay despite going AWOL?" Hughes questioned now taking interest in the conversation. "What was his name Howard…Heath…Hector–"

"Hohenheim?" Al said

"Yeah, that's him; he never turned up for service in Ishbal and is stilling being paid. Well if you see him, let him know the military's investigation department is looking for him." Hughes laughed returning to his pretend work.

"That bastard! Just wait until I get my hands on him. I'll kill him!" Ed exploded.

"Calm down brother!"

"…Anyway moving along, if you both want to join the military, then you need a place to stay in Central, and it sure as hell won't be in my house. And you're likely to kill yourselves if you live with Hughes, so you can just live with Shou Tucker, the "Sewing Life" alchemist" while "coughing" he added "more like the "I Killed My Wife" alchemist" ending his cough he continued " and his daughter Nina?...Nino…Ah! That's it Niño. Okay?" not waiting for an answer "Okay. Me and Hawkeye will take care of the paperwork. Hughes will bring you to Tucker's house. Great, the test is in three months see you there, good luck, good bye and get out." Mustang finished speaking as he ushered them out of his office.

The tree of them emerged for the bleak, depressingly grey military building, to a just as bleak and depressing Central City, home to the Füher.

"Are you sure Mr. Tucker will be okay with us staying at his house? I mean we never asked him." Al asked as they walked down the quaint and peaceful streets of Central, where a military banner and fully armed soldier stood at every corner.

"Yeah, it'll be fine. No one really cares what he thinks anyway. After all he is about to lose his military certification as State Alchemist. The guy's a hack who about to lose all his possessions. Yup, so don't worry about it." Hughes laughed as he finished answering Al's question. "Well here we are."

The Tucker house….manor. The manor was surrounded by a loud and bright yellow stone wall, with a picturesque cobblestone path leading up to extravagantly large pink marble staircase, the lawn didn't look as good as the house did though with all the grass dead for the winter. As Ed rang the custom made 24-karat gold door bell for the already too lavish two floor Tucker manor a St. Bernard came bounding out toppling him over as the door was opened.

"AHHH! Get this rabid dog away from me!" Ed cried out as went flying down the marble staircase.

"Thas Alexsander." A pudgy little girl, with long brown hair braided into two pigtails, where a very country style blue dress said as she emerged from doorway.

"Why hello there, Niño." Hughes said "These boys here, are gonna be living with you, for a while. So, where's your father?"

"Pa is ins the bassroom." The little girl responded happily. "Alexsander comes here." The dog obediently got off Ed, slobbered all over his face and walked over to the girl's side.

"Nina, where'd that gurl git tuh?" they heard a voice coming toward them from inside the house.

"Lutieniet Hughes, who that?" Al asked nervously as the person emerged.

Out of the manor came a relatively tall man, where beige slacks and a red, blue and green plaid button up shirt, had a little oval a head, smallish beady eyes a depraved man, and otherwise a normal-ish face.

"Howdy y'all! And just what are yous younguns doin wit my lil' gurl. Oh, Lutieniet I's did not see yous there, Excuse mey. Those are some righty fine young men you git there. So what can I git for you today?" The man droned on in his country drawl.

"Umm…yeah, I'm just here to drop off these boys cause they'll be living with you for the next couple of months, kay? Great I need to go; my beloved Gracia may just give birth any minute now. Good luck you two, I'll visit, Gods knows that's the only time your going to escape the hick and his lisping daughter." Hughes smiled and walked down the cobblestone path to freedom.

"Les go big bossers! Mys name is Nina." The little girl exclaimed happily as she tugged at Al.

"Y'all make yurself at home, you hear. They call me round here the "Sewing Life" alchemist but y'all can call me Tucker, I never cared for all those new fangled titles. That over theres that's y'all room and this here is the book's room. You git yurselves comfortable, I'll whip yous up some grub. Nina you help the younguns out.

_**Three Months **__**from the Test**_

No training or studying whatsoever. Ed and Al played with Nina and Alexander the whole time. Learned to make true "country style" chicken (it was bought at Füher Fried Chicken)

_**Two Months **__**from the Test**_

Still no training or studying whatsoever. Ed and Al visited Füher Land- all the fun of being in the military inside an amusement park. They road on the Ishbal Train where they received an "accurate" depiction of the war. They went on Füher Coaster where the coaster followed to Füher's rise to power and participated in war reenactments including battles with the ELA and Ishbal battles. Visited by Hughes who took them out to dinner. Tucker to them all to Füher Zoo- where all the animals wore masks of the Füher and the descriptions explained how they were like the Füher (The lion is strong like our Füher).

_**One Month from the Test**_

Hughes rang the doorbell to the Tucker Manor. Ed came and answered the door with Nina clinging to his to his neck.

"Hey Ed why don't you, your brother and little Niño come over to my house for dinner, I heard that it was your birthday today, so my darling angel Gracia wants you to celebrate with us. Isn't she sweet!" Hughes said happily

"Happy birthday, bosser." Nina said cheerfully

"Um…sure, but how did you find out it was my birthday today?"  
"Well this cranky old lady, called filing a missing persons report and said you and brother's name and part of procedure she had to tell me your birthday's, so I let her know that you were safe and sound in Central studying for the State Alchemist."

"Oh my God, brother Grammy Pinako is gonna kill us. What are we gonna do?!" Al said nervously

"Well it's simple Al, we can just never go back to Rizenbul" Ed nodded his in agreement with himself.

_At Hughes' House___

Ed had a hardy birthday meal of chicken, rice, mashed potatoes and beans and dessert was to be pecan pie when all remembered:

"_Well boys … I'm sorry to tell you that your mother is in fact dead. And so you know that it was heat stroke and a hit on the head from a glass bottle that killed. Anyways boys, I have to get home now. The missus is makin' chicken for dinner and pecan pie dessert."_

"Um, Mrs. Hughes, I um…uh…allergic, that's it, I'm allergic to pecan!" Ed exclaimed deciding to hide the horror he felt at the moment with a lie.

"Um that's fine; I'll get you some cookies. Alphonse will you get me the milk."

Gracia came back with the cookies moments later, and began cutting pecan pie for everyone else when a cry was heard. Gracia turned around to see what had happened when the thick glass bottle of milk came hurtling towards and hit square on her pregnant belly.

"Nooooooooo, it's happening again." Ed and Al cried together as Gracia slumped to the floor.

"Gracia, are you okay?!"

"Maes, it's time." Gracia gasped

"I know, we have to sing Happy Birthday now." Hughes said oblivious to what was about to happen.

"No Maes, the baby."  
"Oh my God, I'll call Roy and go get a doctor." Hughes said already running out the door, leaving his wife in the hands of three children.

"Mrs. Hughes, thank God you're not dead" Ed and Al both said happily.

One Successful Pregnancy Later 

Hughes had returned with the doctor too late to help with the pregnancy. Ed was forced now to share his birthday with the newborn baby Elicia and never was able to get a slice of his favorite dessert: pecan pie.

_**One Day before the Test **_

Ed and Al spent the day cramming for the exam.

_**The Big Day**_

Ed and Al arrived at the exam site an hour early. Finally, everyone who showed up was allowed to go to the first exam room. The written test. Rumor had that 75 of the people who tried out failed out on this part.

**What is your Mother's name?**

Ed: Trisha Elric

Al: Mom

Random Guy A: Help me

Random Guy B: B

**What is your father's name?**

Ed: Bastard

Al: Hohenheim Elric

Random Guy A: I am an orphan.

Random Guy B: B

**How much do you love the Füher on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the best, 10 the worst)?**

Ed: 1

Al: 9

Random Guy A: If you don't hire me, I'll sue.

Random Guy B: B

**How is the lion related to the Füher?**

Ed: Like hell if I know

Al: He's strong like the Füher

Random Guy A: I'll do something bad if you don't hire me.

Random Guy B: B

**How is Ishbal started?**

Ed: An accidental shooting of a child sparking rebellion

Al: Covert operations by the military

Random Guy A: A conspiracy by the military

Random Guy B: B

**What does ELA mean?**

Ed: Eastern Liberation Army

Al: English Language Arts

Random Guy A: Evil Lion Acrobats

Random Guy B: B

**Name two Generals.**

Ed: Hakuro!!

Al: ……Mustang?

Random Guy A: Me!

Random Guy B: B

**What is the most forbidden thing in alchemy?**

Ed: Human Transmutation

Al: Making Gold

Random Guy A: Animal Transmogrification

Random Guy B: B

**What is the most illegal thing in alchemy?**

Ed: Making Gold

Al: Human Transmutation

Random Guy A: Making inaccurate models of the Füher

Random Guy B: B

**Do you think you passed?**

Ed: Yes

Al: I hope so

Random Guy A: YES

Random Guy B: B

The following two people passed Exam Room-D's written test: Edward Elric and Random Guy B. Al failed because he gave the Füher a nine and Random Guy failed because he wrote Evil Lion Acrobats.Next is the interview, Edward Elric please follow me.

Ed was led into a near pitch black room where the only two lights that shined down were located on the interviewers and the chair he was suppose to sit at. The only easily recognizable face out of all the interviewers was the Füher. In the middle of the room underneath the other light was a gold chair with only three legs.

"Well go on Edward take a seat, if you have alchemic ability the chair will let you sit on it."  
_Where are we, Hogwarts? _Ed thought annoyed as walked over to the seat and sat down. Ed wasn't on the chair for than a second when it fell over. _What the hell this is bogus I know I can do alchemy._

Suddenly the Füher burst into a round of clapping "Obviously you alchemic talent is so great that chair wasn't able to hold you. So let's just ask you the most important question: Why do you want to be a State Alchemist?"

_Be sappy. Be sappy. Don't mention its cause the house burned down. _Ed thought "Because when my mother died it was her last wish that my brother become State Alchemist. But my brother's nerves were all severed and so he can't be a one so I promised I would do it for him and find a way to fix him, Yup that's it." Ed said as sadly as he could.

The Füher suddenly burst into tears "Okay" sniff "You pass, Congratulations you've may proceed to the final portion of the test."

In the end was the only person from Exam Room-D to make it to the final round. When it was Ed turn to perform alchemy he broke into the German Clap Dance and his partner had become the judge.

Slap your thighs, clap your hands, clap partner's right hand.

Slap your thighs, clap your hands, clap partner's left hand.

Slap your thighs, clap your hands, clap partner's right hand, then the left hand.

Slap your thighs, clap your hands, clap partner's right hand with left, and left with right simultaneously.

Repeat part 1 to 4 but instead of clapping your partner's hands, you wave your index finger of the hand(s) in question at them.

Take your partner in a ballroom hold.

Gallop seven steps forward round the circle in an anticlockwise direction.

Gallop seven steps backward round the circle in a clockwise direction.

Gallop seven steps forward round the circle in an anticlockwise direction.

Men move onto the woman to their left, and take them in a Ballroom hold.

Gallop seven steps forward round the circle in an anticlockwise direction.

At the very end of the dance, Ed clapped the ground and made disproportionate statue of the Füher. The judges were so impressed with his dancing that they passed and Ed thus became the youngest State Alchemist ever. The following day Ed met Mustang at the military base to pick up his pocket watch and name as State Alchemist.

"Congratulations Edward, you now a member of the military. Just do a favor don't do something like Tucker to keep your certification like create a talking chimera from a wild animal and your wife it's…sick. I mean that's the only a reason a hick like him would get to be a State Alchemist. And you know what sure it talked, but the only thing it ever said was "I want to die" and not long after that it did. If you're that desperate Ed just give up your brother." Mustang said casually

"What do you mean, he said his wife left him?!" Ed said shocked

"Oh shit that slipped out."

"Where can I found out more information?!" Ed said getting mad

"The library? …Tucker?" Mustang said

As Ed was in front of the State Library, he saw a deli owner coming running out after a white haired guy.

"Hey you! Give back what you stole. That man he shoplifted from my deli. Somebody help!"

Ed looked around for second waiting for the flood of soldiers guarding the library to attack the man. After another a minute he noticed that there were absolutely no guards guarding the library. Ed decided that he would save the day and charged after the man. When he finally caught up, he noticed that man had a large 'X' shaped scar on his face. The man was holding a can of Fühergles potato chips.

"Hey you give back those chips that you stole." Ed yelled at the man.

"Get lost, kid!" the scarred man yelled at Ed for interrupting his meal.

"This is an order from a State Alchemist, give me those chips!" Ed yelled as he clapped his hands against the ground capturing the scarred man. Ed walked over and took the half-empty can of Fühergles.

Ed walked away not realizing the man he had captured was wanted for serial murder. In the end up Ed never gave the half-empty can back instead, he finished the chips and never made it to the library; he went straight home to the Tucker manor. When Ed walked into the Tucker manor, he walked straight onto to Basque Gran, a General of the military. Gran was a really tall man, with bug eyes and a really large handle bar mustache.

Gran took one look at Ed and bellowed "I HATE BLONDE PEOPLE!! GET OUT!" Then he saw Al walk in "I HATE CHEAP COSTUMES YOU GET OUT TOO!" he commanded.

"Uh okay!" Al said with his voice quivering in fear.

"Fine! Hey, Tucker let me know how your certification goes and if you get the time, I like talk to you as well. Nina we'll come back and play with you tomorrow, right Al. Bye Alexander"

"Bye everyone!" Al said sadly

"Bye big bossers!" Nina said glumly, along with Alexander whimpering "Me ands Alexsander ares going to miss yous."

"Y'all come back now ya here." Said Tucker in his usual hick tone.

Later that night Ed received a memo from Tucker asking him to come to the manor to see his latest creation. Ed snuck in through the back by creating a door.

"Wow brother you can do alchemy just like teacher now, that's great." Al commented as he watched create the door.

When they walked into the Tucker manor, they noticed that there was a light on in the basement, and went that way.

"Edward I so happy y'all could make it. I want you tuh be first tuh see mey creation" Tucker called to them from the back of the room.

Ed and Al proceeded through the needlessly long basement of the Tucker manor. Everywhere that they looked was a cage with a chimera in it, deformed, malnourished, and suffering. Where there wasn't a cage housing, a chimera there was an array to make one. _This is one obsessed country hick. _Ed thought little freaked out by the sight. In the back of the basement stood Tucker and sitting next to him, was a shaggy white dog with long flowing brown hair spanning down its back and covering the whole tail.

"Well come back tuh my humble home, Edward, Alphonse. I'm so happy y'all could make it. I've dunit again; this here is a talking chimera. I sure to git muh certification renewed now." Tucker said gesturing enthusiastically toward the chimera. "Watch. Gone on, now, speak. These here younguns are Edward and Alphonse, there yur friends."

"Edsward, Alsphonse, friends." The chimera said in a melancholy drone

"Wow Tucker that's great." Ed said with mock enthusiasm trying to hide the disgust he felt "Now I have an important question for you, what happened to your wife? It's not like your some sort of fish or bug that meets its needs for reproduction by switching genders, so unless you're a woman in disguise tell me what happened to your wife."

"Well Edward, I can't rightly say that I understand what yur babbling about, but wife jist got up one day en left me" Tucker responded

Suddenly the chimera got up, walked over to Al, and began pulling on the tunic attached to the suit of armor. And began to speak again "Big bossers yous promised tos plays with mes" Both Ed and Al gasped.

"Wow brother that sounded awfully like something Nina would say." Al said cheerfully

"Yeah just having that abominable creature saying that it reminded that we should probably go keep our promise, seen as were here." Ed said just as happily.

"I don't think y'all should go git her awake." Tucker said nervously

"Speaking of Nina, where's Alexander? He normally tackles me to the ground by now." Ed said looking around him.

"He…gone dun en ran away." Tucker said getting even more nervous.

"Oh…well then I guess we'll just have to help you find him." Ed said sadly.

"I give up! You younguns have gone n figured me out. Its true I turned meh wife into a chimera to become a State Alchemist, all so could live tuh life I live now. And that creature there, that be Nina and Alexander. But I dunit this here time, just to see if I could, just like you did wit yur ma."

"How did you find out about my mom?!" Ed said angrily realizing that if Tucker said anything career in the military would before started. "Never mind, I don't care, I'll just kill you. Al watch him, while I fix Nina." Ed said as he walked over to Nina. "Nina you have to bare with me, this may take more than a couple of tries and may hurt, okay?" Just as Ed was about to start try number of bringing Nina back to normal, a cage from somewhere in the basement was heard hitting the grand with a load bang. "Dammit Tucker for just having a noisy basement like this, I'm gonna kill you first."  
"No Edward! You just wait a minute, ya hear?" Tucker said frightened as Ed talked him with all his child might against the wall."

Before Ed was able to kill Tucker, Gran conveniently walked into the basement of the Tucker manor. "Soldiers arrest Tucker, capture the chimera, boy and tin can move aside NOW!" He ordered as quickly as he walked into the basement.

_Dammit I have to make it look like I was attacking him for a good reason._ Ed thought quickly. "Sir, I was only attacking him because he turned his daughter into a chimera, it was definitely not over something as stupid as a falling cage." Ed said trying justify is presence there.

"Well that's just great. Now move." Gran said walking over and throwing Ed to the side, then turning his attention on the now moving Al. "Good at least you listen." Gran was in the Tucker manor for ten minutes and completed capturing Nina and arresting Tucker. Ed and Al followed them Gran and his solders and watched as the herded Tucker into a car and tossed caged Ninaxander the Talking Chimera into the back of the truck and drove off.

"I'll be damned if I let Gran get away with throwing me. Ha! I'll pay him back by setting Nina loose." Ed said clapping his hand and then hitting the ground. If a flash of light the ground became like jagged spikes, knocking over the truck, magically causing not only the back door to open but the Ninaxander's cage door to open as well. After a couple of minutes of sniffing the ground Ninaxander took of running. "Wait Nina come back I think I can fix you in ten tries." Ed called after her.

_In Some Alley_

A tan white haired man with an 'X' shaped scar on his face sat on the ground, he was wearing sunglasses (at night) to cover his red eyes. The right sleeve of his tan-ish yellow shirt was rolled up revealing a complex array for alchemy tattooed on his arm.

"Why brother did you give me this cursed arm?... I'm so hungry, damn that alchemist for stealing my Fühergles. Ishbala will definitely punish him for stealing from me what I had worked hared to steal for myself." The man said to himself.

Suddenly a white shaggy white dog gave walking into the alley. The dog walked over to him, sniffed him and then began whimpering.

"I know pooch, you must be hungry like me." The man placed his hand on the dog head to pet, his arm reacted to the dog and glowed red. "No your not hungry, your just part human and part dog, you poor poor thing. I will ease your pain."

The whole alley lit up with a bright red light, and a splattering noise was heard. The man got up and left the alley, holding his right arm like it would fall off at any second.

_A Half Hour Later _

Ed and Al walked into the alley.

"Nina, are you here?" Ed called frantically

"Brother look!" Al called horrified pointing a blood spatter on the alley wall.

Ed came over to look at it. The spatter was in the shape of a splayed out dog, that was ripped apart from the inside out.

"NNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA" Ed cried out and instantly started raining.

_Meanwhile On A Street _

The scarred man walked down the street still gripping arm.

"Brother I now why you gave me this arm. It's to kill all the State Alchemists who steal Fühergles and harm poor defenseless animals. I'll kill them."

TBC__


End file.
